josigirl13's Cancer Blog

June 27, 2007

THE S.S. DIAGNOSIS : by Dan Porras

Views: 1605

yaaaaargh, matey’s, gather yer swabby keisters by, and i shall recant a tail of woe and high adventure, yaaarrgh, the tail of capt. dixon and why they call the dreaded ocean a “mistress”.

i was sailing with the crew of the damned three days from the coast of the Skull Keys. it had been two days since the food run out, and just this morning capt. shaky had shot the first mate over the last cup o piss water. we were in dire straits when a storm blew in and lightinin blew down the mast! then, giant crabs stromed the deck and began pickin the men apart. some men tried to flee, they dived to the waters below only to be devoured by sharks and whirlpools. aye, we thought it was all over. and then, out of the waters snaked a tentacle around me leg and draggged me 20 meters up. yaaaaar, i was starin down at the jaws of the dreaded giant leukimia squid! arrrrrrgh, i tell you it was all over. every sparrow for miles had flown the coupe by now.

but then, me ears heard a cry. “avast ye squid. i object to this treatment of my client! you’re badgering my witness!” why it was capt. dixon! i knew there was a fair lass on board for vacation, but little did i realize it was capt. dixon (to tell the truth, it should have dawned on me she was fierce, for only a true pirate of grit can drink rum wearing next to nothing on a ship full of scurvy rats like me and not get forcibly boarded). well i tell you she dawned the capt.’s hat, stuck a knife in her mouth and jumped down from the lookout by swingin down a rope. then, she jumped onto the squid, cut out its eye and held it up to the sky! shiver me timbers she looked scary (and yet, i could feel a warmth take over my mid region, i thought i’d wet meself, but no, it was just from lookin on such a fair face). course all romantic thought runs out of your mind when there is a mad lass choppin at the squiddy tentacle wrapped around your leg as your suspended 20 meters up.

well, needless to say, the new capt. saved us all. she killed the squid, told off the storm, got water from a secret organ of the squid, and we ate kalamari till rescue came. capt. said it was important for the rescue that me and the men dress in bowties and no shirts, carrrying little glasses with rum to her hammock on the deck. capt. sure did lay around a good deal after that too, sunnin herself and such on her hammock, drinkin the rum. but she said it was important. all would have gone smooth too, but two of the men had heart attacks when capt’s towl fell after her morning sun. yarrr, was a shame, but we gave them proper burial. now if ye excuse me, the capt. calls for her mojito. back to work, ye scum!

another tale of the amazing capt. dixon.

Posted on June 27, 2007 at 8:47:44 PM by Josiane Dixon ( THE S.S. DIAGNOSIS : by Dan Porras, 2 comments)

This is my favorite. The ocean is a mistress indeed… and it features mojitos. Word to Dan Porras and his fifty cent vocab words.

Posted on June 27, 2007 at 10:28:32 PM by Joanna (unverified)

word to dan porras indeed! we are “fairies”

Posted on June 28, 2007 at 12:04:09 PM by josigirl13